Im so sick of it!

So its official, I graduate from Wayne State University on May 3rd, 2008. Its kind of a wake up call....seriously....what have i done with my life in the past 22 years besides go to school? hmm...well my diabetes has not been in control for more that a single year at a time....digging myself an early grave...indeed. This was never a problem for me until I met Joey. I care about him, I want to marry him and grow old and have kids and grandkids with him. At the rate that im going, that will not be possible. AT ALL. so its time to shape up now before the new year starts.

for everyday my blood sugar averages 150 or lower, I'll put 3 dollars out of my own paycheck into a savings accout. If my daily blood sugar ave is 100 or less, 5 dollars....between 151 and 170, 2 dollars, 171 and 199...1 dollar.

This is just a way for me to "invest in my future" and keep myself alive!

Exams are coming up and I will be busy so hopefully I'll be ok!

its been a while...

So its been a while. really. I am still dating Joey, things between us have gotten good and interesting. Did I tell you my period is now 22 days late? yeah it is. Took a few home pregnancy tests, one was positive, all the rest were negative. I went to the doctor on monday to get a blood test done, i assume ill get the results tomorrow. My blood sugar has been dropping randomly and its kinda irritating. But anyway, joey and i have discussed our options and if all goes well, we plan on keeping the baby, which is exciting. last night i cooked him dinner in exchange for a back rub...alfredo pasta with veggies and wine. i felt a little tipsy so i ended up staying the night. honestly....it was soooo nice just to be able to cuddle up to him all night and stay warm and be able to see him first thing in the morning. :)
He is taking his cat to get fixed and declawed tomorrow at a vet place near my house, so im taking him out to lunch tomorrow, which should be nice!
school is school, nothing less nothing more
I got the full time position at the national city branch in southgate, i start there on tuesday.
Just found out my first love, who got married shortly after breaking up with me, had a baby on the 7th of november. Im not bitter or anything, but im typing this as a best wishes to him, although we dont talk anymore.

im in love.

why do I do this to myself?

Have you ever seen someone and was instantly attracted to them, but then never thought about it further? And then that person and you meet and the attraction level sky rockets? How about when you have sex with that person and that person does everything that you LOVE without even telling that person and it seems as though you two just mesh together? Or when he wraps his arms around you and you've never felt more beautiful than right there in that moment? And when the sun rises and you part ways, you get slightly bummed at the thought you might never see him again? And when, by chance, you two meet again you feel like you are the worlds hottest supermodel and you talk for hours and feel so intelligent and everything seems to be falling into place?

What do you do when you think you are falling for someone? Because right now I can not get Joey off my mind and the anticipation of me seeing him again is overwhelming. I want to be back in his arms, I want to wake up next to him like I did this weekend, I want to cook breakfast in our underwear. What have I gotten myself into, Im falling hard and fast for a man whom I envisioned would be a one night stand....this isn't supposed to happen, especially when now it isnt a one night stand.

This happened last weekend.

So i had a can of diet coke on me because my blood sugar was so high it wasnt reading and i needed to keep fluids in me. we are on our way walking toward the concert (chevelle was going to be there) and the security guy wont let me up because I have a can of coke and it is a Pepsi sponsored event. So I start argueing that I will not throw it out because I need it and if they really want to stop me, go buy me a can of diet pepsi....they said no. I then explane that Im diabetic and I need it, they guy says no. At this point im causing a huge scene and he gets his supervisor OVER A FUCKIN CAN OF DIET COKE! I even lift up my shirt to show them my gross fat stomach to show them the port for my pump and I dangle my medical ID in their faces. They still give me a hard time. So I told them that I will just sue their security company because its a medical liability and seeing my coach purge (which was a gift, lol) they probably see I have money and Told me that I have to smuggle it in. so my friend scott sticks it in his shorts pocket and the guy says if i get caught he didnt tell me to do that. 25 minutes later we get up there, the blood sugar still isnt reading, so I change the pump site and then go behind the porta johns and chug it, stick it under a japanese memorial sign, take pictures of it, and we go about our day.

out there....way out there.

So my mind is way out there, waaayyyyy out there. I feel like Im falling behind in life. I still need to take the GRE and do well on it. I need to bring my gpa up, I need to apply to grad schools. WTF am I doing with my time? Laying on the couch watching Americas Next top model marathons. Well, I did visit my grandma today, so that was nice. I love her to pieces and she helped me reinforce the buttons on the new sweater I bought for work. She asked me how long I have until I graduate and I told her I will be done in May 2008 and sadly, she said she hopes to still be around by then. I half scolded-half jokinly told her that she needs to stop thinking that way and that she WILL be around to see me graduate. I know, you all are probably wondering why she is saying such depressing things to me. Well, she is going to be 85 years old this year in october, she already had to bury 2 of her sons and before i was even born she had to bury her own husband, who died when my mother was only 16. She was a smoker, but quit when I was little and the only real medical issue that she has had recently was that she needed hearing aids, which is quite shocking compared to the health issues my grandma from my dads side has/is going through right now. Shes a tough one, Im thinking she still has another 10-20 years on her. Anyways, She didnt say anything about my new nostril piercing, but then again she might not have noticed which would be shocking since my sister who just got home from vacation and was sitting across the room from me blurts out "did you get your nose pierced?" in total disbelief and shock. Yes, i got my nose pierced and i think its pretty. Its not huge, quite small actually, and very sparkly. So that makes seven yes SEVEN piercings so far, more to come as I can afford them. Im looking forward to breakfast tomorrow since today I bought egg whites, fat free shredded cheddar cheese, and salsa. We had chicken tonight so I think I might cut up some of the left over chicken and throw that in with the ingredients mentioned above to make a big omlet, yes it does sound like a plan. No work tomorrow, only my internship from 1-5. I wonder what they are going to make me do tomorrow since I keep completing my tasks way before schedule. hmm. Either way, I dont mind it. I have my own cubicle and everything and the best part? it feels like someone finally appreciates my work ethics and I feel important there. Damn, its already 10pm....almost. I should work on some math tomorrow and Spanish tomorrow also. Ah, yes, I managed to get allllll of my laundry done. It took 2 months of laundry every weekend to get it all done. I feel complete now



food for today:
2 yogurts +320
100cal pack+100
pb egg +340
mini chocolate pie +200
mayo +200
Potato+300
sour cream+200
Salad +300
Veggies+100
v-8 juice +40
total:2100

no exercise today :( bummer


Today's horoscope: You will know when you need to step back today -- so listen to your gut when it tells you to run and hide. It's important for you to always be able to find a place where you can be by yourself when people aren't on your wavelength. And don't succumb to pressure to be social when you just don't want to be. It's perfectly fine for you to be stingy with your free time right now -- you've been far too generous with it recently. Please yourself, not others

Depression

I just realized something today....I am depressed. Not suicidal depressed, just blah depressed. ALL the TIME. I dont know how to shake it either. I tried shopping, but that only leaves me worried that I'll have to return the items because i think i spent too much. Tried working it off by working out, but it only leaves me more depressed because im FAT.

I dont know what to do anymore. it sucks ass.

the weekend is coming to a close

So the weekend is coming to a close and I hate to say this, but I got almost nothing accomplished.

Yesterday I hung out with my bff nicole....we layed out in the sun, went shopping, went to Luckys for her friends bday party. Luckys is like an adult version of chuck e cheese's, minus the static filled slides and plastic ball pits. I ended up playing this trivia game, and of course, I answered all the questions correctly and FASTEST! so I won...120 tickets. We go get some candy and leave, since there wasnt much for under 200 tickets. I check my BG, its 303, so I correct it, like I would normally do. Yeah after correcting, I realize that I had a drink, so therefore I will drop really fast overnight. To balance things out we go get some pizza and I eat and then go home. My dad is still awake and asks me where I was since I was gone all day and its now 12:30am. I told him Luckys with nicole, and i also mention that all that money that he pays for me to go to school was worth it since I won at a trivia game. He laughs, I hop into bed and pass out until 1130 this morning.

today:
Slept until 1130, when my blood sugar was at 125. I get up, eat some yogurt, go back to bed. How adventurous! Around 6pm my mom wakes me up for dinner, blood sugar at 48...grab some grapes, a peach and some yogurt. Eat dinner, home made pesto sause and angel hair pasta. hour later, bust my butt at the gym, came home did some laundry, showered, and here I am.

How boring.

Blah with a pinch of excitement

So Im currently sitting on my couch in the living room, half relaxing, half debating what to do all the while listening to the rapid speech of those on this soap on univision, i think thats how you spell it. its the only spanish station that we get on our cable. Im really proud of myself because im keeping up pretty well, granted there are some words i do not know. its about people having affairs with their bosses.

Today is my mothers birthday, I took her to a salon to get a facial, pedicure, manicure, and hairstyle. Then later we (my mother, me, and my sister) all went out to applebees for lunch/dinner, since it was a very later lunch. btw, lunch was ok...nothing exciting....tomato basil soup and a grilled cheese blt. good times

I visited my neighbor, Nora. She still is waiting for her baby to come. I ended up talking to her and her family and she showed me pictures of her life back in ther native country. She sent a bag of veggies home with me, more cucumbers and tomatoes and onions. At least im getting my fiber! ha! So i cut up some tomato and cucumber and lightly sprinkled it with white pepper.

I didnt go to the gym today. Bummer. I woke up at 80, now im at 105. Had a few grapes. so Im chillin here on the couch, being entertained by some overly dramatic acting in spanish.

Todays horoscope:
Do whatever it takes to stick with your current projects today -- don't go wandering off to pursue something shiny and new (and unproven). Even if this new venture or project seems much more interesting than what you're working on now, it's not. Stay dedicated to the tasks at hand, and you'll find new appreciation for the smaller things in life. Suddenly, there is beauty is numbers -- and when they all fit together perfectly, you'll feel a type of satisfaction that you've never felt before

oh to kick my own ass...

So I had the day off of work, the joy of being a part-timer. More like the woes of being a part-timer. you see, Im one of those people who will continually graze all day if I am bored, left alone, or have to much time on my hands. This can lead to some surprisingly high blood sugars. I \'ve tried everything and I just dont know how to stop this behavior! So over the course of the day there has been plenty of grapes (i appreciate grapes, they make me poop!), 2 breadsticks, lasagna, popcorn, 100cal oreo bag, kool-aid, and a tomato basil tortilla with mayo. C'mon now! Get a grip Sarah! It doesnt seem so bad but when it messes with my blood sugar, its just plain reckless. I know that between eating the grapes and the lasagna I fell asleep on the couch. Talk about being a sloth! So I gave myself a time limit, 8pm I was getting myself out of my pjs and into my car and driving the whole 10 minutes to the gym to do at least 30 minutes of some sort of cardio to get my blood sugars down since all this munching and lack of bolusing has left me at 357! So 8pm comes, i get in my car, my gym cloths and shoes are already packed in my barbie pink gym bag and I drive to the gym blaring the new Evans Blue Cd (shameless plug for a great band right there, go check them out!). I always test before starting, so as I'm standing on the treadmill, my meter reads 325...odd. that dropped really fast. Im now blaring Nine Inch Nails (they dont need a shameless plug) as Im walking the hills program on the treadmill at the highest level of 20, leaving the incline between 9 and 15% and 4mph...Im really sweating now. 30 minutes into it, when I told myself its ok to stop, I test again. down from 325 to 198. Now thats an even bigger drop and I know its not my insulin since I disconnected at the start. Whatever, Im sweaty but not sweaty enough. I continue on this program for another 15 minutes. I like nice numbers divisible by 5 or 10 9well I should say 5 since 10 is divisible by 5) so I told myself, "ok sweaty ass, keep going until you reach 715 cals burned"..ok boss. Well, that takes care of the lasagna I just ate.

so as for my battles:

Sarah v. Food: Sarah:1, Food: 0
Laziness v. Exercise: Laziness:1, Exercise:1...since i did spend most of the day in my pjs.

A new begining

Since I have started posting at tudiabetes.com, I've take the idea to have a blog from many of the members there. This is a new begining.

Right now, I am off of work until saturday, which is kinda good since I get to sleep, but really bad also since I have nothing to do. Why do I have nothing to do? My neighbor, Nora, is about to have her baby. This generally wouldn't be news except shes from Romania and doesn't know many people here and her husband is at work about 30 miles away and she also asked me to drive her to the hospital if her husband isnt home. So obviously, I can not go to the gym until later on tonight. I could do some laundry, but that would require me to get the motivation to lug a huge laundry basket down 2 flights of stairs into the dark creepy basement where there are spiders hidden everywhere. I think ill wait on that.

As for my bg readings so far today....
110 at 1030am then 95 at 12:30pm. Pretty darn good considering my last a1c about 3 weeks ago was 11.7% Yeah I feel like im going to die when my blood sugar is this good, but you must take the good with the bad. Im sure ill get used to it shortly.

i havent eaten much today. Im sure that will change but for now...1/4 cup guacamole and 6 chips, a mug of yogi fasting tea.

To lay in bed all day in my pjs, its a good feeling, but im really hyper right now. 3 weeks until school starts, and I CANNOT WAIT!