because i need to put this somewhere.

my blood sugar has been out of whack since I got the flu :( I really need to work on that





[b]Marc,[/b]
I love you, I really do. Way back in 2004 when you sat behind me in Spanish class, I daydreamed about being with you...and I hadn't even said hello yet. You said hello to me finally after a few weeks of sitting behind me and me passing the attendance sheet back to you. Just to let you know, I purposely sat there so I could turn around and see you at least once during class and I purposely kept checking the clock...and yes, I caught you staring at me. Then after class, I'd walk to my car in the structure next to the one you parked in, that was a coincidence, but I didn't mind, I got to see you and your cute butt walk in front of me and yes, there were days where I'd try to walk faster than you so you could watch my cute butt walk to my car... silly, I know, but I wanted to return the favor. When you finally asked me out, I was more than ecstatic. My heart was beating so loud and my stomach turned so much and from that moment on, I was so scared of doing something wrong...it was too perfect. I remember writing the directions to your parents place down in my Spanish notebook... we were to get together after class and study. Too bad we didn't get that much studying done. From that moment on, we were inseparable. We were known as the "cute" couple all over campus because we were always wandering campus holding hands, not having a care in the world. Sometimes we'd be to carefree and be running really late for Spanish class... oh those moments were priceless! we would stand in the hallway outside of class and kiss and decide who would go into class first and who would wait a few minutes and walk in after, just so that the professor and students didn't know we were together...but the professor knew, and she thought it was the cutest thing ever. When we broke up, I took another Spanish class with her and she asked me how we were doing...and I had to inform her that we broke up and the saddest expression came over her face and she said "lo siento", and I cried. It was horrible. It was almost as sad as the day you said you weren't going back to school because it was "too far" from the new place you were staying at...such a lame excuse considering how close you were to graduating. I knew I wasn't your mother, there was nothing I could do to change your mind... but since that day everything went down hill. You drank more and more by the day, you smoked a lot...even with your asthma! The drugs were rampant...but I loved you... I couldn't just walk away from you. I tried so many times to make you see my side, I tried to get you help, but you "didn’t have a problem". I stuck it out for the longest time, feeling more and more neglected and lonely by the day. We broke up, we got back together... over and over and over until one day it was over for good. God that sucked, I cried for days, I took a week long vacation from work to stay home and hide my face in my pillows and blankets and cry....thats all I did. I didn’t eat... I cried. Whenever I had the energy, I did laundry to wash the scent of you off of my clothes and I took down all of our pictures together, and I hid everything you every did or gave to me. I got rid of your ring...that was the hardest thing I did. Tears I didn't even know I had left in me came flooding out at that point. My grandma and my mom told me that if I loved you as much as I said I did, that I should let you go... because if its meant to be and if its true love, love will come back to you. Years passed... I dated quite a few guys and I tried to stick it out in a relationship with each of them, but really, they weren’t you and it wasn’t the same. In the end, I'd end up just as lonely as I did in the beginning. While I was busy dating those other guys, you'd manage to marry some chick (who, as petty as this is, I saw as one ugly chick and I thought you could have done better...but whatever). I found this out from stalking you on myspace. I found your band's myspace page and the number one person was her. so obviously, I looked at her myspace profile and I bookmarked it.... I figured at least I knew who she looked like incase I ever ran into her, I'd trip her or something, just for the irony of it all. The lowest blow, the blow that brought back those tears when we broke up years previous, was when I saw the belly shots...the big pregnant belly. I figured I could have fucked up your marriage and got you back, but after I saw the belly shots there was no way I was messing with that. That sucked hardcore and honestly, I’m still trying to not think about it because if I do, then this whole situation we are in seems a bit fucked up. You found me on myspace and decided to message me, exactly 3 weeks since I broke up with Joey and 2 weeks since I started dating Dave. I cried. These tears I cried were weird... they were those painful tears that I had when we broke up and when I saw the belly pictures, but yet they were also happy tears because the last time I tried to contact you, you told me everything just shy of fuck off...and now here you are wanting to talk to me...but I was also so so so very confused. I texted you that night, I still remembered your phone number after all these years...and you responded. Not too long after that I was sitting in front of you talking over a bottle of water at the coffeehouse we used to be all artsy fartsy at (except they changed their name)... I kept tell both of us that I was not going to get involved with you beyond being friends because you had a wife and child at home... but those feelings came right back. We've spent so much time apart and oddly enough, we've changed (that’s not the odd part) but we've changed and we now have more in common than we did long ago... even our mannerisms... all the way down for our love of franks red hot...seriously. When we left that night you walked me to my car and hugged me and I pushed you away before you could kiss me. You showed me the way back to the freeway (by the way, I knew how to get back to the freeway... I just wanted an opportunity to call you and tell you to pull over if I felt an opportunity like that was needed, at it was) and before we got there, I called you and told you to pull over... I wanted to kiss you sooo bad, just one last time, as I didn't know when the next time would be, if there was to be one. It was the most passionate kiss I'd ever had...it took the breath right out of me and the whole world was spinning and the way you tasted and your scent...I recognized them right away, its the reason why I've felt nothing when someone else kissed me. It was like the world was on fire and the heat and wind was the passion swirling between us. It was already well after midnight and I had to work, so I sent you away and jumped on the freeway. The entire way home I cursed myself for becoming the other woman and I cried because I've never been so happy my entire life... I finally felt so complete. We managed to spend more and more time together behind her back and each time it felt like we were getting closer and closer to being caught. The feelings between us came right back... like nothing ever happened between us and you just magically have a one year old daughter. By the way, you look amazing, more amazing than you did before. Now you are on your own in your own apartment and to tell you the truth, its amazing. I get to come visit you, stay for the weekend, be all domesticated-in-training, daydream about everything. I get to enjoy you for who you are and I get to know more about you and the way you think everyday and it really amazes me that we are different people but we are so similar in every aspect. We even sigh at the same time! I know this divorce thing isn't going as smoothly as you wish it would and I know the BM is crazy, but I want to be there for you one hundred percent of the way because if we can make it through this together in one piece, we can make it though everything else, especially considering this is like world war 3 going on... especially since Ava is involved. I said most of what I really want to say, but there’s more... I just don’t know where to fit it in this already long letter...
This is going to seem slightly childish, but it really sucks that you married her and that she threw the "we are married so no more condoms" card at you. Don't take that the wrong way, Ava is adorable and I’m glad she is your daughter and I look forward to eventually being a great step mom to her. I just get kind of down because I am the woman you were supposed to marry... I told you that way back in 2004 too, but I guess sometimes you have to make the biggest mistakes to learn the smallest of lessons, which I’m sure you learned quite a few lessons. Ever since we started dating way back in the day, I used to dream of having a small outdoor wedding on top of "the hill" we used to go and have picnics on, with only our parents, siblings, best of friends, and grandparents there... you'd be all cute in your tux and I'd be standing in front of you in a simple white dress in my barefeet (you can be barefoot too if you want to be)... it brings tears to my eyes even now. I hate being all pouty like this but it sucks to see that you had already accomplished the things in life that I've always wanted, but you did it with someone else. I've seen how divorce can make people bitter about the whole marriage situation, so I know that I shouldn't hold my breath on ever becoming engaged to you... and I'm not talking about now, I'm also speaking of the future. I really don’t think you'll want to marry someone else for the fear of going through this all over again. I know you said you don't want any more kids too. Its heartbreaking, but I have to understand and come to terms with your decisions if I want to be with you, which is hard to do right now, especially when all of my cousins are starting their own families and my uncles and everyone around me keeps asking me when we plan on starting a family and I just stand there and smile because I know its not going to happen but I don’t have the nerves to tell them that. Plus, even though I'm just as scared as you are when it comes to taking care of Ava (yeah, I don't know what to do with her...surprise!), somewhere deep down inside of me longs to have a child from start to end... even if the odds are against me. It pulls at me all the time. I just wish you'd make up your mind completely and quit making lame excuses on why you won't get clipped, because for each lame excuse you give me, it gives me one more little hope that you eventually want another child, not now of course, but maybe sometime after Ava is out of diapers and can at least count to ten. maybe 20. I'm just scared and worried about where my life is going to lead me because I have goals I want to accomplish, but since you've already accomplished them I'm trying to see if I should stay with you or move on... even though almost everything tells me I should stay. I love you more than anything. If you didn't have the BM and Ava and if I didn't have my diabetes, I'd ask you to run away with me and be mine forever and ever. I can't imagine living my life without you.